On Suicide.

“Have you ever been in pain & nothing helps? You just hurt so much you literally cant think of anything else & you just think how you’d do anything to make it stop? Yeah, it’s kind of like that.”


"No one would be talking about Robin Williams if he wasn't famous, regular people kill themselves every day and no one hears about it."

This is one of many insensitive things I have seen said on social media today, one of the milder ones, mind you.

You are right, and yet oh so wrong on so many levels. You, social media user who is "sick of hearing" about someone who touched lives here on earth, then left it.

You are right, if Robin Williams was an average Joe, you probably wouldn't have heard about his death, but that is wrong. We should care more, we should hear about the deaths of the many souls lost to suicide every day and we should care, we should cry out, we should be better, live better, and create change because of it.

Because you are right, regular people kill themselves every single day. Sick people, sad people, lonely people. People who have family and friends and people who love them. Depression and suicide is no respecter of persons, it effects the young and old, the rich and poor.

"Robin Williams didn't die of a disease, he died from his choice." I actually saw this on a blog, which shall remain nameless because I really don't want to benefit him with extra "clicks."

Once again, on so many levels, this is so terribly wrong.

Is suicide a choice, yes, technically it is. Is depression a choice? No, it is not.

Someone who commits suicide does so because they cannot see any other choice. It feels like the only choice. They cannot see the good, the bright, the future. Someone who commits suicide is not themselves, they are not thinking clearly, and are not thinking of all the things we all seem to think of when we speculate why a person shouldn't have committed suicide.

Depression is a deep, frightening pit that is difficult to understand if you haven't crawled around in it yourself. You can have people next to you and feel all alone. You feel invisible, or sometimes worse, you feel like a detriment or burden to those around you. It is very easy, in a state of depression to feel like the world would be better off without you. Scary easy.

It's hard to ask for help, and even when you do, it's not always helpful. Some people don't know what to do, or don't believe you, or are critical of you for it, or don't care. People say rude and critical things, or are just completely insensitive and oblivious to how much pain you are in.

Depression is a daily battle, just like any illness. You can have good days and bad days, you can even go into remission and relapse. Depression is not imagined, but entails physical and chemical changes in the body and brain. Science still cannot control it, there is no cure, only treatments, and just like any disease, they are hit or miss from person to person.

Where some people may only require one medication, another may need six. Where one person may get lucky on their first try, some may have to try multiple dosing levels and various drugs to find something that works for them. This is a long, arduous, frustrating process. The side effects can be worse than the symptoms you were having, and many even had "suicidal thoughts or actions" as a side effect. So something people turn to in order to try and curb their depression may be the thing that pushes them over the edge.

I have seen far too many ignorant things posted in the last 24 hours and I am just hoping to shed some light on a situation that is sad and difficult to understand, but shouldn't be ignored or brushed off as an act of selfishness or cowardice.

Selfish people commit suicide every day. Selfless people commit suicide every day. Cowardly people commit suicide every day and brave people commit suicide every day. Depression is no respecter of persons, and their normal "traits" and "personalities" have nothing to do with their "decision" to stop living.

Until you have felt absolutely hopeless, until you have been so in the dark you don't remember what the sun feels like, until you have looked up from the deep slippery pit and seen the distance you had to climb while everything against you tried to make you sink, then don't judge. The pain of depression is like walking through tar, deep and thick, it feels pointless to fight the inevitable sinking. And unfortunately, many do sink.

You don't have to sink, you are not alone, it will get better, it will pass. It's hard to see from the bottom of that pit, but there are people you cannot see right beside you. Reach out to them. Fight. Climb.

If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide, PLEASE seek help. You don't have to do this alone. Call a friend, a family member, go to the hospital, call the suicide hotline, email me (I'm serious) just don't give up.

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Here is a great music video that brings awareness to suicide, and further illustrates that there is no limit on who depression affects. 

http://youtu.be/pUqyoCFqBpA

Rest in Peace, Robin. You will be missed.

Be careful what you wish for: Some thoughts on adoption

      First off I want to say that I come from an adoptive household, I grew up in the culture of adoption, many of my closest friends are adopted, and my husband & I hope we will one day be able to add to our family through adoption. I understand the pain an adoptive family goes through when a child they fall in love with will not be theirs after all. I have been there. I understand that desire to be able to do something when your hands are tied. I really do.

     I also understand the pain and heartache of a birth family wrestling with the decision on whether or not to give up their child, to try and make the call on where they will have their best chance and be brave enough to make the decision.

     I understand the ugliness of situations in which mommies or daddies (or both) don't get to make the decision, but the decision is made for them and their babies are taken away.

    Through friends and family and in my personal life I have been touched by situations like this, and I take none of them lightly. Not a single one. I am totally about to call one of you out, though, and it is you whom I share the closest relation to: the waiting adoptive parent.

     You want a child, I get it. You want to be a forever family, that's awesome. It really is. I am sure you love that child, seen or unseen. I am sure you assume (like every parent does) that you know what is best for this child.

     I have noticed a huge trend in the adoption community, among waiting parents & foster parents, that are hoping, encouraging hope for, praying, etc. that their child's biological parents won't show up. I'm talking about situations where perhaps the child was removed from a home or not allowed to go home in the first place for one reason or another. These parents are usually given extensive opportunities to get their "act" together before their child becomes "adoptable." The goal is to ideally reunite families, and is actually the basis and goal behind foster care (go figure!)

     I regularly (regrettably so) see posts such as "Fingers crossed birth dad won't show to visitation" or "Pray mom doesn't come to court hearing today." You get the picture. And I get it, I do, the dad is awful, the mom is strung out, blah blah blah. Here are 2 simple facts to consider, before you act like this is such an obvious thing to hope for.

           1.  No matter how great this adoption will be for you, not being wanted will never, ever feel like a good thing to your child.

           2.  No matter what, they are still part of your child's story.

      There, I said it. I am sorry. You could be the best parent ever, but when your adopted child grows up, you will still only be one piece of their story. They will have to come to terms with the fact that they were not wanted. They will have to learn to accept the fact that God gave them to someone, and they returned them. They will have to process the hurt that is associated with being given away. Do you really want them to also have to deal with all this and know it is what you hoped for, what you prayed for? Do you really want, when your child is in their deepest point of processing, to feel like you wished this on them?

        Not only that but what if one day your child reconnects with their biological parent. How do you know they won't get their act together eventually and want a relationship? You don't, and selfishly sabotaging your child's biological parent through your actions, words, prayers, etc. is wrong.

        Adoption is hard for everyone involved, everyone. Acting as though this, these decisions, are not going to effect your child in the future is not only ignorant, it's selfish. You don't know people, their potential, their future, their struggles, or where they came from. You can assume, you can read reports, but no one really knows the full truth but them.

Your job is to be there for your child, to think of them first and yourself last. Your job is to hope they get their best possible chance at life, and not assume it's you. Your job is to be there every step of the way, however many steps you are given.

Every decision you make today will effect your child tomorrow (this goes for any parent). Make smart decisions, choose your words wisely, and be careful what you wish for. Realize your silent wish today could be your child's nightmare tomorrow.

I hope I was able to make your wheels turn and help you think about how you are approaching. your child's unique "story." We're all stories in the end.