Be careful what you wish for: Some thoughts on adoption

      First off I want to say that I come from an adoptive household, I grew up in the culture of adoption, many of my closest friends are adopted, and my husband & I hope we will one day be able to add to our family through adoption. I understand the pain an adoptive family goes through when a child they fall in love with will not be theirs after all. I have been there. I understand that desire to be able to do something when your hands are tied. I really do.

     I also understand the pain and heartache of a birth family wrestling with the decision on whether or not to give up their child, to try and make the call on where they will have their best chance and be brave enough to make the decision.

     I understand the ugliness of situations in which mommies or daddies (or both) don't get to make the decision, but the decision is made for them and their babies are taken away.

    Through friends and family and in my personal life I have been touched by situations like this, and I take none of them lightly. Not a single one. I am totally about to call one of you out, though, and it is you whom I share the closest relation to: the waiting adoptive parent.

     You want a child, I get it. You want to be a forever family, that's awesome. It really is. I am sure you love that child, seen or unseen. I am sure you assume (like every parent does) that you know what is best for this child.

     I have noticed a huge trend in the adoption community, among waiting parents & foster parents, that are hoping, encouraging hope for, praying, etc. that their child's biological parents won't show up. I'm talking about situations where perhaps the child was removed from a home or not allowed to go home in the first place for one reason or another. These parents are usually given extensive opportunities to get their "act" together before their child becomes "adoptable." The goal is to ideally reunite families, and is actually the basis and goal behind foster care (go figure!)

     I regularly (regrettably so) see posts such as "Fingers crossed birth dad won't show to visitation" or "Pray mom doesn't come to court hearing today." You get the picture. And I get it, I do, the dad is awful, the mom is strung out, blah blah blah. Here are 2 simple facts to consider, before you act like this is such an obvious thing to hope for.

           1.  No matter how great this adoption will be for you, not being wanted will never, ever feel like a good thing to your child.

           2.  No matter what, they are still part of your child's story.

      There, I said it. I am sorry. You could be the best parent ever, but when your adopted child grows up, you will still only be one piece of their story. They will have to come to terms with the fact that they were not wanted. They will have to learn to accept the fact that God gave them to someone, and they returned them. They will have to process the hurt that is associated with being given away. Do you really want them to also have to deal with all this and know it is what you hoped for, what you prayed for? Do you really want, when your child is in their deepest point of processing, to feel like you wished this on them?

        Not only that but what if one day your child reconnects with their biological parent. How do you know they won't get their act together eventually and want a relationship? You don't, and selfishly sabotaging your child's biological parent through your actions, words, prayers, etc. is wrong.

        Adoption is hard for everyone involved, everyone. Acting as though this, these decisions, are not going to effect your child in the future is not only ignorant, it's selfish. You don't know people, their potential, their future, their struggles, or where they came from. You can assume, you can read reports, but no one really knows the full truth but them.

Your job is to be there for your child, to think of them first and yourself last. Your job is to hope they get their best possible chance at life, and not assume it's you. Your job is to be there every step of the way, however many steps you are given.

Every decision you make today will effect your child tomorrow (this goes for any parent). Make smart decisions, choose your words wisely, and be careful what you wish for. Realize your silent wish today could be your child's nightmare tomorrow.

I hope I was able to make your wheels turn and help you think about how you are approaching. your child's unique "story." We're all stories in the end.

Merry Christmas!

Calm down folks, I scheduled this post. There's no way I would have time to write a blog much less form a coherent thought on Christmas day.
Just wanted to make sure I did take the time to wish Jesus a happy birthday and share some of the blessings that have happened this year.

Greyson & Darcy are continuing to grow and thrive.  They are happy, healthy, hilarious little images of Jeremy and I and I love them to pieces.

No one had surgery this year.  Yay us.  I figured I should mention it since we both did last year and both kids had at least 1 trip to the ER as well. This year was (thankfully) uneventful health wise.  We continue to pray that Greyson will grow out of his nut allergy, because lets face it, a childhood without peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is no childhood at all!

Jeremy got a promotion.  It is well deserved and he is settling well into his new position.  I am very proud.

I started a business.  Saltwater Photography was a hobby turned business in spite of myself and it is thriving.  I love it and feel so blessed from all the support I have received.

Next year:
We plan to continue to eliminate debt (medical and student loans) in hopes to be prepared for the plans that God has for us.  We hope in the future we can both complete our dreams of adopting a child as well as going into full time Missions.  We are trusting God on this journey and know he has an awesome plan for all four of us!

Love to all & Merry Christmas!!