My grandma-- or if you would have asked me when I was 5-- My favorite Grandma, passed away on May 20. This also happens to be my birthday.
Sunday she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and sepsis, and given a few days to live. Though this has happened many, many times before, I somehow knew that this would be the last time, the last "death drill" as my aunt called it.
Sometimes we used to tease that Grandma would pretend to be dying so everyone would visit her. I honestly don't doubt that it could have happened once or twice. Heart surgeries, emergency "we don't know what we are going to find but we don't know what else to do" surgeries, putting in pace makers, shutting off pace makers. Urinary tract infections that mimic the angel of death pulling you into the great beyond. She survived multiple heart attacks, strokes, congestive heart failure, having her colon removed, gangrene, diabetes, countless surgeries, the passing of her husband, and so much more.
Even before she got sick she was a fighter and survived so much. She lost her little sister, her parents, and eventually old age began to take the rest of her siblings along too. She survived being a poor Italian girl in the south during the great depression. She survived riding warp speed on a scooter, flipping over and flying several feet through the air. She survived being told by my grandpa that he had absolutely no interest in her and that he was most assuredly going to marry a different girl from their church. She survived waiting until he came to his senses.
When you live 87 years you survive a lot of things, some seem less impressive than others, but being young and surviving what I have survived thus far, I think I am more impressed by these little things. Little things that didn't turn her bitter or make her prone to giving up, little things that molded her into the awesome woman I knew.
Looking through the photos, there were so so many absolutely silly ones. Several of my grandma in various ridiculous costumes made me realize how much I am like her. Growing up doesn't mean losing your sense of humor, and seeming a little crazy just to entertain the people you love is 100% worth it.
I hope I never lose my appreciation for growing another year older, because life is precious. And I hope, like my grandma, I never lose my sense of fun. I will miss her so much, but my "real" grandma had been chipping away the last several years from dementia. I am so happy to think that she is whole, with her family, safe and healthy now. She is probably putting on some ridiculous show upstairs for my grandpa and all their siblings.
Rest in the sweetest peace, I will miss you.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Sunday, September 28, 2014
The Ad by @ElleQuinnCage
It's here! The book that will melt your panties off and leave you in a heap. If you aren't into girly romance novels, you should probably stop reading right now, the contents of this posting are 18+ in nature. ;)
Here is my review of Elle Quinn Cage's debut novel, potential spoilers ahead! (I won't give away anything tooooooo major. promise, but just in case I'll put the links up here.)
US: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NZ6MALS
UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00NZ6MALS?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
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Whenever I read a book in order to beta or give a review, I always always read it twice. Once for enjoyment and once to take notes. Both times I completed it in a matter of hours because it is just too good to put down.
Here is the book blurb: Parker Stratton is a below-average Joe when it comes to talking to women.
He sees an unusual personal ad from a woman who trains men to become better daters, and replies out of idle curiosity.
Little does he know he will decide to go through with the plan, and he learns far more than he realized he would.
As Jess tries to remain passive and emotionally distant, he becomes more obsessed with who she is and why she lives the life she does.
When they accidentally stumble upon each other in "real life" being impersonal is no longer an option.
He comes to learn that she is not all she seems to be, there is far more to her story than he ever expected.
Some of the elements I enjoyed the most were as follows:
I LOVED the male point-of-view the story is told in. You don't see this a lot with romance and when you do it is rarely believable. Parker tells his story and he tells it like a guy would tell it. The character he plays fits the voice of the story.
No one is a virgin. Let's get real here, this happens all the time in romance novels, however it is very, very rare in the real world. I like that this book takes place in the real world.
SURPRISES GALORE. dude. seriously. I tend to think I can predict everything and I did NOT see some of this stuff coming. Like, at all.
Taboo issues. Cage touches on some pretty taboo points without making it scream activism or anything like that, once again, the book takes place in the real world. I love when I can see messages in romance novels especially.
The characters in this book are believable. They are flawed but also have amazing points. They make mistakes. The chemistry between Parker and Tessa is beyond beautiful. The way the plot unfolds is genius, she keeps you hooked to the very end. This book has everything from romance to drama to sadness to crime and even a guy in a tinfoil hat! I highly recommend this for any romance novel lovers! And it is a STEAL at only .99 USD.
Check it out and if you love it as much as I do, share it with your friends and help out a budding author! :)
Here is my review of Elle Quinn Cage's debut novel, potential spoilers ahead! (I won't give away anything tooooooo major. promise, but just in case I'll put the links up here.)
US: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NZ6MALS
UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00NZ6MALS?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
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Whenever I read a book in order to beta or give a review, I always always read it twice. Once for enjoyment and once to take notes. Both times I completed it in a matter of hours because it is just too good to put down.
Here is the book blurb: Parker Stratton is a below-average Joe when it comes to talking to women.
He sees an unusual personal ad from a woman who trains men to become better daters, and replies out of idle curiosity.
Little does he know he will decide to go through with the plan, and he learns far more than he realized he would.
As Jess tries to remain passive and emotionally distant, he becomes more obsessed with who she is and why she lives the life she does.
When they accidentally stumble upon each other in "real life" being impersonal is no longer an option.
He comes to learn that she is not all she seems to be, there is far more to her story than he ever expected.
Some of the elements I enjoyed the most were as follows:
I LOVED the male point-of-view the story is told in. You don't see this a lot with romance and when you do it is rarely believable. Parker tells his story and he tells it like a guy would tell it. The character he plays fits the voice of the story.
No one is a virgin. Let's get real here, this happens all the time in romance novels, however it is very, very rare in the real world. I like that this book takes place in the real world.
SURPRISES GALORE. dude. seriously. I tend to think I can predict everything and I did NOT see some of this stuff coming. Like, at all.
Taboo issues. Cage touches on some pretty taboo points without making it scream activism or anything like that, once again, the book takes place in the real world. I love when I can see messages in romance novels especially.
The characters in this book are believable. They are flawed but also have amazing points. They make mistakes. The chemistry between Parker and Tessa is beyond beautiful. The way the plot unfolds is genius, she keeps you hooked to the very end. This book has everything from romance to drama to sadness to crime and even a guy in a tinfoil hat! I highly recommend this for any romance novel lovers! And it is a STEAL at only .99 USD.
Check it out and if you love it as much as I do, share it with your friends and help out a budding author! :)
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
On Suicide.
“Have you ever been in pain & nothing helps? You just hurt so much you literally cant think of anything else & you just think how you’d do anything to make it stop? Yeah, it’s kind of like that.”
"No one would be talking about Robin Williams if he wasn't famous, regular people kill themselves every day and no one hears about it."
This is one of many insensitive things I have seen said on social media today, one of the milder ones, mind you.
You are right, and yet oh so wrong on so many levels. You, social media user who is "sick of hearing" about someone who touched lives here on earth, then left it.
You are right, if Robin Williams was an average Joe, you probably wouldn't have heard about his death, but that is wrong. We should care more, we should hear about the deaths of the many souls lost to suicide every day and we should care, we should cry out, we should be better, live better, and create change because of it.
Because you are right, regular people kill themselves every single day. Sick people, sad people, lonely people. People who have family and friends and people who love them. Depression and suicide is no respecter of persons, it effects the young and old, the rich and poor.
"Robin Williams didn't die of a disease, he died from his choice." I actually saw this on a blog, which shall remain nameless because I really don't want to benefit him with extra "clicks."
Once again, on so many levels, this is so terribly wrong.
Is suicide a choice, yes, technically it is. Is depression a choice? No, it is not.
Someone who commits suicide does so because they cannot see any other choice. It feels like the only choice. They cannot see the good, the bright, the future. Someone who commits suicide is not themselves, they are not thinking clearly, and are not thinking of all the things we all seem to think of when we speculate why a person shouldn't have committed suicide.
Depression is a deep, frightening pit that is difficult to understand if you haven't crawled around in it yourself. You can have people next to you and feel all alone. You feel invisible, or sometimes worse, you feel like a detriment or burden to those around you. It is very easy, in a state of depression to feel like the world would be better off without you. Scary easy.
It's hard to ask for help, and even when you do, it's not always helpful. Some people don't know what to do, or don't believe you, or are critical of you for it, or don't care. People say rude and critical things, or are just completely insensitive and oblivious to how much pain you are in.
Depression is a daily battle, just like any illness. You can have good days and bad days, you can even go into remission and relapse. Depression is not imagined, but entails physical and chemical changes in the body and brain. Science still cannot control it, there is no cure, only treatments, and just like any disease, they are hit or miss from person to person.
Where some people may only require one medication, another may need six. Where one person may get lucky on their first try, some may have to try multiple dosing levels and various drugs to find something that works for them. This is a long, arduous, frustrating process. The side effects can be worse than the symptoms you were having, and many even had "suicidal thoughts or actions" as a side effect. So something people turn to in order to try and curb their depression may be the thing that pushes them over the edge.
I have seen far too many ignorant things posted in the last 24 hours and I am just hoping to shed some light on a situation that is sad and difficult to understand, but shouldn't be ignored or brushed off as an act of selfishness or cowardice.
Selfish people commit suicide every day. Selfless people commit suicide every day. Cowardly people commit suicide every day and brave people commit suicide every day. Depression is no respecter of persons, and their normal "traits" and "personalities" have nothing to do with their "decision" to stop living.
Until you have felt absolutely hopeless, until you have been so in the dark you don't remember what the sun feels like, until you have looked up from the deep slippery pit and seen the distance you had to climb while everything against you tried to make you sink, then don't judge. The pain of depression is like walking through tar, deep and thick, it feels pointless to fight the inevitable sinking. And unfortunately, many do sink.
You don't have to sink, you are not alone, it will get better, it will pass. It's hard to see from the bottom of that pit, but there are people you cannot see right beside you. Reach out to them. Fight. Climb.
If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide, PLEASE seek help. You don't have to do this alone. Call a friend, a family member, go to the hospital, call the suicide hotline, email me (I'm serious) just don't give up.
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Here is a great music video that brings awareness to suicide, and further illustrates that there is no limit on who depression affects.
http://youtu.be/pUqyoCFqBpA
"No one would be talking about Robin Williams if he wasn't famous, regular people kill themselves every day and no one hears about it."
This is one of many insensitive things I have seen said on social media today, one of the milder ones, mind you.
You are right, and yet oh so wrong on so many levels. You, social media user who is "sick of hearing" about someone who touched lives here on earth, then left it.
You are right, if Robin Williams was an average Joe, you probably wouldn't have heard about his death, but that is wrong. We should care more, we should hear about the deaths of the many souls lost to suicide every day and we should care, we should cry out, we should be better, live better, and create change because of it.
Because you are right, regular people kill themselves every single day. Sick people, sad people, lonely people. People who have family and friends and people who love them. Depression and suicide is no respecter of persons, it effects the young and old, the rich and poor.
"Robin Williams didn't die of a disease, he died from his choice." I actually saw this on a blog, which shall remain nameless because I really don't want to benefit him with extra "clicks."
Once again, on so many levels, this is so terribly wrong.
Is suicide a choice, yes, technically it is. Is depression a choice? No, it is not.
Someone who commits suicide does so because they cannot see any other choice. It feels like the only choice. They cannot see the good, the bright, the future. Someone who commits suicide is not themselves, they are not thinking clearly, and are not thinking of all the things we all seem to think of when we speculate why a person shouldn't have committed suicide.
Depression is a deep, frightening pit that is difficult to understand if you haven't crawled around in it yourself. You can have people next to you and feel all alone. You feel invisible, or sometimes worse, you feel like a detriment or burden to those around you. It is very easy, in a state of depression to feel like the world would be better off without you. Scary easy.
It's hard to ask for help, and even when you do, it's not always helpful. Some people don't know what to do, or don't believe you, or are critical of you for it, or don't care. People say rude and critical things, or are just completely insensitive and oblivious to how much pain you are in.
Depression is a daily battle, just like any illness. You can have good days and bad days, you can even go into remission and relapse. Depression is not imagined, but entails physical and chemical changes in the body and brain. Science still cannot control it, there is no cure, only treatments, and just like any disease, they are hit or miss from person to person.
Where some people may only require one medication, another may need six. Where one person may get lucky on their first try, some may have to try multiple dosing levels and various drugs to find something that works for them. This is a long, arduous, frustrating process. The side effects can be worse than the symptoms you were having, and many even had "suicidal thoughts or actions" as a side effect. So something people turn to in order to try and curb their depression may be the thing that pushes them over the edge.
I have seen far too many ignorant things posted in the last 24 hours and I am just hoping to shed some light on a situation that is sad and difficult to understand, but shouldn't be ignored or brushed off as an act of selfishness or cowardice.
Selfish people commit suicide every day. Selfless people commit suicide every day. Cowardly people commit suicide every day and brave people commit suicide every day. Depression is no respecter of persons, and their normal "traits" and "personalities" have nothing to do with their "decision" to stop living.
Until you have felt absolutely hopeless, until you have been so in the dark you don't remember what the sun feels like, until you have looked up from the deep slippery pit and seen the distance you had to climb while everything against you tried to make you sink, then don't judge. The pain of depression is like walking through tar, deep and thick, it feels pointless to fight the inevitable sinking. And unfortunately, many do sink.
You don't have to sink, you are not alone, it will get better, it will pass. It's hard to see from the bottom of that pit, but there are people you cannot see right beside you. Reach out to them. Fight. Climb.
If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide, PLEASE seek help. You don't have to do this alone. Call a friend, a family member, go to the hospital, call the suicide hotline, email me (I'm serious) just don't give up.
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Here is a great music video that brings awareness to suicide, and further illustrates that there is no limit on who depression affects.
http://youtu.be/pUqyoCFqBpA
Rest in Peace, Robin. You will be missed.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Free book Saturdays!!
Hello!!
Reed sold exceptionally well over the weekend so I have decided to do 2 more back to back Saturdays to get Reed free! This Saturday and next, Reed will be available for a free download across the globe on the Kindle Marketplace.
I would like to thank all of you people for its amazing success so far. It has only been out for three months and has sold far more than I ever expected! This is thanks to all the many people who have pimped me out on social media, read, and left me amazing reviews. I love you all and I sure hope you keep doing what you're doing. I owe you for making my dreams come true.
Here are your links!
US: http://goo.gl/8Ldcfi
UK: http://goo.gl/7RclA0
Please share/tweet/facebook/pimp this out as much as possible because I would love to give as many away as possible!
Thanks again!
Reed sold exceptionally well over the weekend so I have decided to do 2 more back to back Saturdays to get Reed free! This Saturday and next, Reed will be available for a free download across the globe on the Kindle Marketplace.
I would like to thank all of you people for its amazing success so far. It has only been out for three months and has sold far more than I ever expected! This is thanks to all the many people who have pimped me out on social media, read, and left me amazing reviews. I love you all and I sure hope you keep doing what you're doing. I owe you for making my dreams come true.
Here are your links!
US: http://goo.gl/8Ldcfi
UK: http://goo.gl/7RclA0
Please share/tweet/facebook/pimp this out as much as possible because I would love to give as many away as possible!
Thanks again!
Friday, July 18, 2014
Free Ebook!
Reed has been updated with a fresh new cover and will be free this weekend (July 19th & 20th). Please be sure to download it and share the information with all of your friends/social networks. Thank you!
Links:
U.S. http://goo.gl/8Ldcfi
U.K. http://goo.gl/7RclA0
Links:
U.S. http://goo.gl/8Ldcfi
U.K. http://goo.gl/7RclA0
Monday, July 14, 2014
The Challenge Update
Hello!
I told you all a while back about my 30 in 30 every month challenge, in which I challenged myself to write 30k words a month for 12 months straight. I am happy to update that I am still on track and finished the first draft of another novel this month! I am hoping to finish one more but of course inspiration has struck and that means I am also starting another. I hope I can at least try to finish one a month if I am also going to be starting one a month (or sometimes two).
What am I working on?
A fantasy
A Sci-Fi
A couple of very different romances, though all fairly mild (Think more Nick Sparks and less E.L. James)
Some are stand-alones
Some have sequels
I've also dabbled in the idea of a sort-of sequel to Reed (purchase the first here: http://goo.gl/8Ldcfi) in which you would see the main characters about 3 years later and what is going on in their lives, and would change to a Sam-focused POV. Not everyone would be in it, and I would write it so they could be read together or separately. I would love to have some feedback on this idea, I will probably write it regardless, but I don't want to go through the work of publishing if no one wants to read it, you know?
Keep encouraging me (I need it!) and thank you to all the people who are always giving me support and helping me be brave enough to talk about this huge part of me which has remained a hidden one for too long.
I told you all a while back about my 30 in 30 every month challenge, in which I challenged myself to write 30k words a month for 12 months straight. I am happy to update that I am still on track and finished the first draft of another novel this month! I am hoping to finish one more but of course inspiration has struck and that means I am also starting another. I hope I can at least try to finish one a month if I am also going to be starting one a month (or sometimes two).
What am I working on?
A fantasy
A Sci-Fi
A couple of very different romances, though all fairly mild (Think more Nick Sparks and less E.L. James)
Some are stand-alones
Some have sequels
I've also dabbled in the idea of a sort-of sequel to Reed (purchase the first here: http://goo.gl/8Ldcfi) in which you would see the main characters about 3 years later and what is going on in their lives, and would change to a Sam-focused POV. Not everyone would be in it, and I would write it so they could be read together or separately. I would love to have some feedback on this idea, I will probably write it regardless, but I don't want to go through the work of publishing if no one wants to read it, you know?
Keep encouraging me (I need it!) and thank you to all the people who are always giving me support and helping me be brave enough to talk about this huge part of me which has remained a hidden one for too long.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Be careful what you wish for: Some thoughts on adoption
First off I want to say that I come from an adoptive household, I grew up in the culture of adoption, many of my closest friends are adopted, and my husband & I hope we will one day be able to add to our family through adoption. I understand the pain an adoptive family goes through when a child they fall in love with will not be theirs after all. I have been there. I understand that desire to be able to do something when your hands are tied. I really do.
I also understand the pain and heartache of a birth family wrestling with the decision on whether or not to give up their child, to try and make the call on where they will have their best chance and be brave enough to make the decision.
I understand the ugliness of situations in which mommies or daddies (or both) don't get to make the decision, but the decision is made for them and their babies are taken away.
Through friends and family and in my personal life I have been touched by situations like this, and I take none of them lightly. Not a single one. I am totally about to call one of you out, though, and it is you whom I share the closest relation to: the waiting adoptive parent.
You want a child, I get it. You want to be a forever family, that's awesome. It really is. I am sure you love that child, seen or unseen. I am sure you assume (like every parent does) that you know what is best for this child.
I have noticed a huge trend in the adoption community, among waiting parents & foster parents, that are hoping, encouraging hope for, praying, etc. that their child's biological parents won't show up. I'm talking about situations where perhaps the child was removed from a home or not allowed to go home in the first place for one reason or another. These parents are usually given extensive opportunities to get their "act" together before their child becomes "adoptable." The goal is to ideally reunite families, and is actually the basis and goal behind foster care (go figure!)
I regularly (regrettably so) see posts such as "Fingers crossed birth dad won't show to visitation" or "Pray mom doesn't come to court hearing today." You get the picture. And I get it, I do, the dad is awful, the mom is strung out, blah blah blah. Here are 2 simple facts to consider, before you act like this is such an obvious thing to hope for.
1. No matter how great this adoption will be for you, not being wanted will never, ever feel like a good thing to your child.
2. No matter what, they are still part of your child's story.
There, I said it. I am sorry. You could be the best parent ever, but when your adopted child grows up, you will still only be one piece of their story. They will have to come to terms with the fact that they were not wanted. They will have to learn to accept the fact that God gave them to someone, and they returned them. They will have to process the hurt that is associated with being given away. Do you really want them to also have to deal with all this and know it is what you hoped for, what you prayed for? Do you really want, when your child is in their deepest point of processing, to feel like you wished this on them?
Not only that but what if one day your child reconnects with their biological parent. How do you know they won't get their act together eventually and want a relationship? You don't, and selfishly sabotaging your child's biological parent through your actions, words, prayers, etc. is wrong.
Adoption is hard for everyone involved, everyone. Acting as though this, these decisions, are not going to effect your child in the future is not only ignorant, it's selfish. You don't know people, their potential, their future, their struggles, or where they came from. You can assume, you can read reports, but no one really knows the full truth but them.
Your job is to be there for your child, to think of them first and yourself last. Your job is to hope they get their best possible chance at life, and not assume it's you. Your job is to be there every step of the way, however many steps you are given.
Every decision you make today will effect your child tomorrow (this goes for any parent). Make smart decisions, choose your words wisely, and be careful what you wish for. Realize your silent wish today could be your child's nightmare tomorrow.
I hope I was able to make your wheels turn and help you think about how you are approaching. your child's unique "story." We're all stories in the end.
I also understand the pain and heartache of a birth family wrestling with the decision on whether or not to give up their child, to try and make the call on where they will have their best chance and be brave enough to make the decision.
I understand the ugliness of situations in which mommies or daddies (or both) don't get to make the decision, but the decision is made for them and their babies are taken away.
Through friends and family and in my personal life I have been touched by situations like this, and I take none of them lightly. Not a single one. I am totally about to call one of you out, though, and it is you whom I share the closest relation to: the waiting adoptive parent.
You want a child, I get it. You want to be a forever family, that's awesome. It really is. I am sure you love that child, seen or unseen. I am sure you assume (like every parent does) that you know what is best for this child.
I have noticed a huge trend in the adoption community, among waiting parents & foster parents, that are hoping, encouraging hope for, praying, etc. that their child's biological parents won't show up. I'm talking about situations where perhaps the child was removed from a home or not allowed to go home in the first place for one reason or another. These parents are usually given extensive opportunities to get their "act" together before their child becomes "adoptable." The goal is to ideally reunite families, and is actually the basis and goal behind foster care (go figure!)
I regularly (regrettably so) see posts such as "Fingers crossed birth dad won't show to visitation" or "Pray mom doesn't come to court hearing today." You get the picture. And I get it, I do, the dad is awful, the mom is strung out, blah blah blah. Here are 2 simple facts to consider, before you act like this is such an obvious thing to hope for.
1. No matter how great this adoption will be for you, not being wanted will never, ever feel like a good thing to your child.
2. No matter what, they are still part of your child's story.
There, I said it. I am sorry. You could be the best parent ever, but when your adopted child grows up, you will still only be one piece of their story. They will have to come to terms with the fact that they were not wanted. They will have to learn to accept the fact that God gave them to someone, and they returned them. They will have to process the hurt that is associated with being given away. Do you really want them to also have to deal with all this and know it is what you hoped for, what you prayed for? Do you really want, when your child is in their deepest point of processing, to feel like you wished this on them?
Not only that but what if one day your child reconnects with their biological parent. How do you know they won't get their act together eventually and want a relationship? You don't, and selfishly sabotaging your child's biological parent through your actions, words, prayers, etc. is wrong.
Adoption is hard for everyone involved, everyone. Acting as though this, these decisions, are not going to effect your child in the future is not only ignorant, it's selfish. You don't know people, their potential, their future, their struggles, or where they came from. You can assume, you can read reports, but no one really knows the full truth but them.
Your job is to be there for your child, to think of them first and yourself last. Your job is to hope they get their best possible chance at life, and not assume it's you. Your job is to be there every step of the way, however many steps you are given.
Every decision you make today will effect your child tomorrow (this goes for any parent). Make smart decisions, choose your words wisely, and be careful what you wish for. Realize your silent wish today could be your child's nightmare tomorrow.
I hope I was able to make your wheels turn and help you think about how you are approaching. your child's unique "story." We're all stories in the end.
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