Basic rules for divorce

Ok, so after my last post on the basic rules for marriage, I was asked to do something on divorce (for those of you for whom it is too late I suppose?)  This will mostly be suggestions from a person on the outside looking in.

1. Stop blasting your crap on social media: That is annoying. Seriously, people don't care that much, and you are pushing people away and making a fool of yourself.

2. Do not think you can tell lies about your ex: That is just tacky, immature, and disrespectful.  not just to your ex, but to the people you are lying to.  I may or may not know a couple who the ex wife lied and told some church friends she left her husband because he was beating her. This is complete bull. He never laid a hand on her and for over a year after several people were avoiding him for NO reason, but the lie they had been told. If you do not want to tell people (its really not their business) why you divorced, (like, for example, you're a raging whore)say something simple like "It just wasn't working out." (because you're a raging whore...)

3. Do not make people pick, because they will most likely not pick you.  Friends, kids, etc. do not encourage or force them to pick a side.  Do not act like every time they talk to or see your ex is an affront against you and your happiness, it is not.  You may not be harboring a hate so fierce you sometimes think you can move things with your mind, but its OK that everyone else does not feel this way.  I have never in my life seen someone who tried to force people's hand in a divorce situation who ended up being the one who was "picked." Ever.

4. Do not immediately date (unless you're a raging whore): I understand after the pain and rejection of a divorce it could be tempting to get back out there and do it all over again, but don't.  For one people will not take you seriously. For two it is soooooooooo incredibly unfair to the poor sap who agrees to date you.  For three it is super insensitive to the people around you, especially your parents and children.  They most likely love or loved your ex and "moving on" will not be quite so easy for them always. Try to think of people besides you. Aside from all of these reasons, you should also assess your role in the failure of your relationship, grow and heal as a person and move on in a mindset to fix your past mistakes.  I am sorry if you are perfect and your divorce was in no way your fault, but you are wrong which is precisely why you should not be dating.

5. Get yourself some counseling: At a church, a therapist, psychologist, something. Make yourself a better YOU for the world and for others.  Get all the pint up emotions, distrust, and unforgiveness OUT.  You do not want that swimming around in your being to sabotage your relationships with others (both romantic and non romantic).


Good luck in all of your many endeavors, and I hope the best for all of you! (even if you're a raging whore!)

Basic rules for marriage

With the closing of 2013, I closed the third year running in which I witnessed more couples getting divorced than married. Keep in mind: I am a wedding photographer.  Sometimes you see that couple get married and you are sure most of the people are taking bets on how long they will last.  Sadly, this is the time we live in.

I am by no means perfect, nor is my relationship, or my husband.  We are, however, going on our 5 year anniversary and for our age, I would say we are doing pretty awesome.  Most of these tips are things we have learned from people much older and wiser than us, and then re-learned them the hard way.

Please note me re-iterating that we are by no means a perfect couple, these things will not save you from a painful divorce, and I in no way am qualified to give anyone advice on anything, ever.

1: Don't go to bed angry.  All fights must be ended before anyone sleeps.  You don't sleep well, and you wake up still angry and unrested, which usually only makes things worse.

2: Keep Mommy and Daddy out of it: You grew up and got married. That is your family now. That person is your #1. Whining about your spouse to your parents only builds a wall between your spouse and your parents- something that should always be avoided. You know who you should talk to when you have a problem with your spouse? Your spouse!! Mom and Dad's house is not a place to escape your spouse, or to hide from your issues.  If you are a parent with adult married children and one comes home angry at their spouse (assuming they are not being beaten or such extremes) You should be a good parent and send them HOME to their FAMILY.

3: Keep the kids out of it: Do not argue in front of your children, it will make them grow up with issues.  Also, do not talk down to or about your spouse in front of your children, this to me is the ultimate of disrespect.That is that child's father/mother and they will have plenty of time when they are teenagers to form negative opinions of them all on their own.

4. No name calling: Seriously sad this has to be said, but do not be a poo poo head and call your spouse names.  It is hurtful and immature. Words DO hurt. Lets just tack no yelling to the end of this for the sake of being thorough.

5. Fight fair: Fights happen, its inevitable.  I think it is healthy to fight at least occasionally, but when you do, fight about what you are fighting about, nothing else.  If you've already settled this fight, you cannot bring it up again. Once something is "Forgiven" it should stay that way, it cannot be used again as ammunition to get your way and "win" the fight.

6: You are not going to like this. Sorry. First year of marriage, or during any rough patches: Don't drink alcohol.
WHAT?!?!
I know, I know.
But listen, alcohol does not add any new issues that aren't already there, but it can and often does peel back the layers that lay delicately over those issues and pours lemon juice into them.  You can choose not to believe me, but you will save yourself a lot of fights and general irritation if you do.

7. Do things alone together: No friends, no family, no kids, just an old fashioned date. Never, no matter how poor, tired, sick, busy,etc. you are, never stop dating.

8. Do things together with others: Group dates, sports, bowling, church, whatever.  Its good to be around other people/couples and have other couple friends.

9. Don't use the D word: Divorce. we are desensitized to it in America. It is tremendously common to have multiple marriages or to be getting a divorce.  The more you say it, the more you convince your mind this is an option.  Its not.  It certainly does not have to be.  If you want an actual lasting relationship, you will remove this word from your vocabulary.  This is not leverage against your mate to get your way, this is a hurtful excuse to give up when something gets hard, and if you go through with it, it will not just hurt you and your spouse, I can absolutely promise you that.

10. Never, ever take advice from a single or repeatedly divorced person.  This should go without saying, but it won't.  People who have not been there do not know, and people who gave it all up don't deserve to be invited into your marriage to give advice in the first place. (Sorry, not even a close friend/family member!)

Some of these may seem extreme, but they are tried and true, and have gotten us this far.  I am blessed to have a husband who puts God first with me, makes me laugh every day, and is my best friend.  If that is not your spouse today, I encourage you both to start following these basic rules and finding your way together to an awesome best-friendship that will change your life.